This is my testimony.. I may say things that offend some readers' religious or personal sensibilities.. for this I do not necessarily apologize.. but please believe me when I say that my reason for writing this is not to malign your belief system but to merely to journal my journey from birth to present day in regards to my understanding of life and eternity, and to maybe shed some light on your own journey. It is my own unique experience with God, which is why I cannot exactly apologize for anything I say that a reader might find offensive.
I was born into a fairly devout Catholic family.. I was baptised when I was about 1 month old in accordance with Catholic doctrines, and have been a partaker of 4 of the seven Sacraments.. the only three I am not a partaker of are Marriage(I am married but not in the Catholic Church), Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick. We were faithful to attend all obligatory and most non obligatory days.. I can remember praying the rosary at home in my early years.. as well we made small pilgrimages to local Catholic shrines. My mother was born into a Catholic home but my father was not.. although in accordance to Catholic teaching when he married my mother he agreed to let us be raised in the Catholic religion, and I will say he did this faithfully even to attending Catholic Mass. In no way did he hint of any personal disagreement with our family's adherence to Catholic doctrine. I was very enthralled with the teachings of Catholicism as a child and can remember wishing to become a nun for I was taught they were God's special servants.
I very much loved my parents and my family. We lived a little below average(by Western standards) in our lifestyle, as I was one of 6 children, and we lived on one income. This didn't bother me, and we lived in a rural setting on a small acreage. I did well at school, but always felt different from my classmates. I don't understand why exactly even now, although I remember being always very uncomfortable with the immoral behaviour, comments and jokes that were common in my public school. I tried to be the best student I could be and got along pretty well with my teachers.
If there is one memory that defines my childhood as far as what some might call my spiritual journey, it is this one that I share now with you. I was a member of the choir in our church, and remember being dropped off after school at the church for practice(I don't know my exact age but I guess I must have been 11 or so) .. a few times I was a little early and either played on the steps outside or quietly sat inside on a pew. I clearly recall during one or two of these times sitting quietly that I entered a state of worship to God.. just me quietly reflecting alone brought about what some would call a visitation by the Spirit of God. I consider these occasions VERY precious memories.. I loved God, and I knew He loved me.. simple as that.. as I say it is a defining memory for me, I believe He revealed Himself to a little girl whose heart was open to Him.. who's to say it wasn't a life changing experience for me??
As I grew older I became disillusioned with Catholicism(I would say here that my quarrel is more with religiosity more than any particular church or group).. and some of this was due to the fact that I began to read the Bible.. something that was frowned upon in the Church. I found verses in the Bible which if true made the catholic Church in error by practice and tradition. When I asked questions, I was told to ignore the Bible basically and that what the Church now taught as doctrine was to be considered to be higher in significance to me as a Catholic than what the Bible said. As well, I found I was becoming ensnared by things that I knew were wrong. I went to confession, did the prescribed penances, lived an exemplary life as a Catholic, all of which did not deliver me from my sins that were becoming addictions, or clear my conscience. I now say that I lived in a state that only a religious or formerly religious person will understand fully.. I call it Catholic guilt.. I agreed before God that I was guilty of sin, and unable on my own to free myself from practicing sin.. but the problem brought about by religion is that the solution is to encourage human activity as the solution for your sins.. religions usually claim that if you pray prescribed prayers at certain times, fast, partake in prescribed religious journeys, eat only certain foods, attend their religious ceremonies..etc... you will cleanse your heart and be right with God, and may POSSIBLY be considered worthy to enter Paradise when you die. I can testify of nuns who literally beat themselves to death because they were taught that whipping themselves would help to absolve them of sin, and free them from sinful thoughts and addictions. The choices in my humble opinion is to sear your conscience by ignoring it ... or find the true Solution to man's guilt as I believe I have found!!! Many continue in their religious activities even though they privately despair of ever having a clear conscience before God. They think the guilt and addiction to sin is due to some fault on their part, others do not privately believe in anything, but their pride does not allow them to leave their religion. Sad...
I left Catholicism and just merely tried to live as moral a life as I could. My mother divorced my father, although they were close friends until his death a few years ago. For us children home was now a type of war zone, as my mom was often absent.. I was befriended by some of the quieter partier types at school.. and their acceptance of me took me out of my home and into the world of the partiers. By the age of 17, I was a high school graduate(barely) and an unwed mom because of a date rape.
But God.. this is the beginning of a verse in the Bible(ephesians 2:4), and I can tell you that those two words are very powerful for us in our human experience. We may think we are bound by what others think of us, by our addictions to wicked behaviours and activities, by our family backgrounds and economic status, . I know of many religious people who think you have no choice but to remain in the religion you were born in.. I know of friends who partook in the same lifestyle of myself who are presently alcoholics or druggies, or addicted to other illicit behaviours.
I stand today as a follower of Yahshua HaMaschiach(Jesus), which I have been since my oldest son was 1 years old. In September of 1984, I made a decision to accept His death on the cross as the only thing on earth that will cleanse me from the stain of sin, and restore me into a right relationship with my Heavenly Father. I owe no allegiance to any religious traditions, I stand before you as a citizen of Heaven by my acceptance of Him as my own dear Saviour. I accept all of the Bible as the Guidebook for my life's journey.. as the inspired Word of the living God. Jesus' life is my example to follow, and His Spirit makes it possible to live unblamable before God.. I am fully convinced that Yeshua is God Himself who intervened in human affairs to save us.. His Ways are not our ways says Isaiah, one of His Jewish prophets..
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